Dear Xanga, I feel like you're the only one I can always come back to whenever my emotions go out of control. I'm really sorry for all the sappy, depressing entries that have littered the blog for years. I just can't seem to help it.

Just like now, I can't help myself but to come back to you when things become unbearable. I always feel I have no one else to turn to but you. I'm too ashamed to vent out to friends-- I always feel like a burden. If I ever do explain my worries, they're always downplayed as jokes, nothing more. I feel that if I were to show anyone my inner-most thoughts, they'd get tired of me. I know, Xanga, if you were a real person, you wouldn't have tolerated this much sadness as you have.

I'm trying to change. I really am. It's just so hard, when you've got no self-confidence and personal pride or ability to show off. The motivation is really lacking--will really trying to change myself in appearance or in personality really relieve me from being all sad and depressed every time I'm alone like this? Do I REALLY want to change myself?

I don't even know anymore.

Ever since I lost that connection with her and my brother, my identity has been lost to me. My own life just seems so lost to me now, as if shattered, and I don't know where to begin to pick up the pieces. Instead, I always find something else to think about, replacing my inner thoughts with some distraction.

I feel like I have two different people living inside of me. Half of me wants to explore, love the world and embrace any change that comes. He's restless and wants excitement in this life. The other half of me begs to stay inside and reserved, a quiet person who decides to embrace the familiarity of things. They both keep tugging at me, making me even more confused on who I am or who I should be. Thus, mopey-ness ensues.

...I don't feel like writing this anymore. I'm losing track on what I'm trying to say. I'll finish it someday.

Xanga, you never fail to make me feel a tad better after all these years. Thanks for that.

I know there are differences in opinion, and, well, I haven't exactly given an open opinion about pretty much anything, so please forgive me if you do not agree with what I will say in this message. I know such a subject is touchy and all, so I really don't mean to put anyone down. This topic has just been irking for quite some time.

It's in the news. It's pretty much everywhere, this gay/bi/straight arguments. Though I don't really oppose this or support either points of view, I just don't like the argument that "it is in your body that makes up your sexual orientation." Though it does give some sort of influence, I believe that's not the true, main source of it. Nor do I think that the whole physical or sexual attraction factor is the deciding factor to it. I sometimes get the feeling that people, including some of my close friends, take this thing too lightly and make it unclear.

It may sound corny, but I believe that the feelings and thoughts about someone is what counts the most. I believe it goes beyond the whole thing about sex. What I guess I'm saying is that LOVE is what determines someone's sexual orientation. Those butterflies in your stomach when you see that one person, or that feeling that you want to care for them, or just that peacefulness from being around him/her... I believe that is the deciding factor. I think of it like this: what makes you like this certain person? Is that a quality that will last for ages? Are you willing to go through hardships together? Do you know the person well enough to be together with them?

Then again, I probably think this because of the friends I have, and the community I live in. This by no means supports or is against gay/bi/straight stuff.

I just wanted to get it out there that your decision on where you stand transcends what is presumed. In the end, these things come down to feelings of love.

Kk I'm done.